Can I tell you all... (confession)
Since deciding to adopt, I've figured a lot of things out about myself both good and bad.I've wasted too many years of my life by not realizing my dream sooner.
I've wasted too much money on stupid stuff that doesn't matter.
I've wasted too much time thinking there would be lots of time.
I've wasted too much time procrastinating.
I have learned that there is nothing more in the world that I want than my daughter.
I have learned that I can really, really save money when I need to.
I have learned I will still occassionally spend money on stupid stuff (just not as much)
I have learned I will still procrastinate (just not as much)
Here's the big part of the confession...(I also have to preface and say that I can't wait to be a mom but...)
I also LOVE the WAIT. I know some of you are thinking I'm horrible but it's true. I am LOVING every minute planning for to her arrival, shopping for little clothes, organizing all her stuff, working on her nursery, dreaming of all the things we'll do, trying to figure out all the ways to get through the hard times we will surely have, meeting all of the great adoptive parents and creating this awesome circle of friends. My life before this was never as rich. Good, but not as rich.
I have first time mom anxiety. I KNOW I'll be a great mom. The closer I get to referral, the more I worry about not having enough money to lavish her every whim. Which I know is stupid because I can give her a great life and I'm very resourceful if I don't have the cash. (plus I don't want her to be too spoiled anyway) So, my brain tells me to knock it off. I'm sure some of you might know what I mean. I worry that that she will resent me for her being in daycare. Then I think...Have a prepared enough? do I have everything I need? did I do all of those things on my list that I really, really wanted to get done? (my downfall to my crazy list making) At 16 will she say she hates me and I'm not her real mother? (this will destroy me) Geez. I hate those days when these thoughts swirl around in my brain. On these WAITING days, I feel my dream slipping away. On the other days, all of these thoughts are in perspective and I am cool with anything life or my daughter throws at me. I'm strong and I can handle it.
So, I guess my only secret (which isn't a secret anymore) is that I LOVE the wait. (please don't hate me) Even when she's finally in my arms I will tell her what an amazing time I had waiting for her and that there is more to come. I will only be a mom to one and this will be the only time that I will be able to anticipate something so great! So, I'm cherishing this time and all of you.
Now, for those of you that are yelling at the computer for me to shut up, gagging, or throwing rotten fruit...I LOVE you too. (sincerely) Don't worry, I probably the ONLY person that would confess to this!
Okay, that's my confession. Thanks for listening.
15 comments:
I have been reading your blog for awhile now. We have been home a year from China and our waiting time was about a year from lid to gotcha. I loved our wait time and I knew that when the time was right we would get our referral. I savored everyday and moment of that wait time and did what I knew I wouldn't have time to do once baby arrived. I really feel bad for those that cannot deal with the wait very well. It is such a precious time for expecting parents.
I am so glad you posted this! I have been meaning to comment before and tell you to stop buying so many clothes...My daughter has so many clothes she hasn't worn because honestly, they just don't fit her personality and it is soo much funner to buy things that you know they will like when they are out shopping with you.
Take care!
Jennifer
Jennifer, thanks for finally posting. I'm glad you enjoyed the wait as well.
I have to respond to the too many clothes thing. Yes, you are probably right, but you see, when my daughter comes home, shopping for clothes is not really in the budget. I've been blessed with lots of hand-me-downs, yardsale deals and clearance items. The actual money I've spent to date on clothes is extremely small that I figure...what the heck. Plus, what I can get at our local consignment shop will exceed the purchase price. So, even it my little one wears half of the clothes, I'll be happy! But, I totally get what you are saying!
Please post again, I'd love to hear from you! :)
What a great post. While I can't say I love the wait (12 months or so was long enough!) most of the time I'm at peace with it. Not to say that I'd certainly feel a bit better with a concrete end date!
I relate to a lot of what you posted. I have the same thoughts. I'm ready to be a mom ...BUT... some days I'm still scared.
I agree that "Love" is a bit strong but I don't mind the wait most days. I'm cherishing all the things I won't do anymore (or at least as much) like sleeping late, taking bubble baths, not doing laundry if I feel like being lazy, traveling, going out with friends, etc etc. You get the idea. And the wait has blessed me with so much that I wouldn't have experienced if I'd been on the short end of referral times (back in the old days of 6-7 mths). I'm able to save more money so I won't be in debt when she finally gets here. I've met soooooo many new friends. And I'm finally exercising again. The wait is gonna give me time to get back in shape and get this weight off!
So there is certainly some good in the wait.
stephe-
I forgot to leave you my contact info - nellableu@yahoo.com
or my blog is http://www.fenrina.typepad.com/
I have a password protected site all about my little one so e-mail me if you want access. I remember wanting to read everyones blogs and see their photos during my wait.
I also understand what you mean about budget and when baby gets home. Plus I know how much fun it is to buy the stuff as you wait!
While I cannot say I ENJOY the wait, it is what it is and I have found peace in that. Knowing that God has all of this in His hands and in His timing is what keeps me going in anticipation of getting my dear little Darci
I don't think you're horrible and I totally respect the fact that you enjoy the wait, but I must admit that I hate the wait. I'm so anxious to be the mom I've wanted to be since we started trying to have children 6 years ago. I'm ready now and want her here now. I've dealt with the wait as most of us have, quietly sitting there each month watching referrals come and go, and being happy for those new parents, but I am so ready now. I'm jealous that I haven't enjoyed it as you have...I'm sure I'll look back and regret that someday. Thanks for sharing!
Lisa
LID 11/21/05
Hey Stephe,
I can't say that I LOVE the wait either, but I wouldn't trade the past two years for anything. Our lives have become much richer too and Joe and I have so many more friends now. Our local adoption group is amazing and I've meet some of the nicest people ever, including you!
I can say that I've LOVED every single minute of planning for Lauren...shopping, clothes, the nursery, etc. I also spend a lot of time thinking about her and what kind of parents we will be...I have so many dreams of what's to come.
I can't wait until we fly off to get our little ones and I'm SO glad that you will be there right along with us for the journey!
Donna :)
Thank you for this post, Stephe. I, too, and !!!LOVING!!! the wait. I'm relishing every moment of it. The dreaming, thinking, planning, preparing, wondering, the anticipation, the love for my daughter that suddenly wells up inside me at the most unexpected moments. I love going to my agency for classes, checking out the adoption rumors at RQ, looking at all the Asian kids I pass and wondering what my daughter will look like.
What I don't like is reading the moanings and groanings of others about the long wait. To me, not one single one of us has a right to these children and it's blessing and privilege to be allowed to become their parents.
I'm happy to wait for as long as necessary for my daughter because I consider it the most awesome privilege to have this opportunity to become a mother and I'm grateful to China, despite all the negatives that I'm well aware of, for allowing one of their most precious children to become my own.
You are right. This is your time. Cherrish it! I love your attitude!
Tiffany
Stephe,
This post touched my heart and brought a tear to my eyes.
You really captured how many of us feel - including us Dad's to be...
I appreciate your honesty. I can't imagine what would have happened if referrals came in 7 months, when we started. I'm sure it would have been just fine, but I agree that this time has been a wonderful opportunity to learn more, save more, build relationships and mentally prepare (as much as one can). Referral time is going to be that much more exciting to share with those we've met along the way.
Sharon
As someone else commented, it is what it is. That's been my philosophy for months now. Nothing we can do about it, so might as well enjoy it. Kudos for admitting to enjoying it!
Well said, Stephe! As a soon-to-be third time mom to a baby from China,the old adage "Good things come to those who wait" rings very true. I am grateful for every second that I waited for my precious daughters, they were very much worth it!
Bernadette
Stephe,
I have followed your journey for several months now and I agree that the wait is a great time to dream and to grow as a person/parent.
My husband and I are adopting from Vietnam, and we have learned so much about ourselves along the way.
Patience has become important, as well as weighing our choices before we go after some "impulse purchase".
It is fun to hope and to dream and to plan. Enjoy!
Also--children that have lots of "things" are generally not as happy as children who have lots of "love". You will be a great mom...because the love is obvious!
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