Stepmom

“Stepmom” with Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon. Have you seen this movie? It was on tonight. The most touching and heart breaking moment of the movie just happened and I can’t seem to stop my tears. Do you realize that this is a moment that all of us are going to share? I know that we won't be a stepmom, but go with the concept...

Julia Roberts and Susan Sarandon are having a conversation about Anna’s wedding day and that Julia feels that when she is looking at this most beautiful woman about to get married, that Anna will be thinking, “I wish my mom was here.” Susan’s biggest fear is that she “won’t be thinking that.” Susan says that is one thing that Anna will never have to do is chose between her mom and stepmom. Susan has her past and Julia has her future.
I know I am Giorgia’s mom, but she will have a birthmother. Circumstances beyond my control will result in my daughter never knowing her birthmother. I will never make her chose; I will find a way for her to honor her birthmother. I don’t know how yet, but I never want her to feel as though in her heart, she has to make a choice. There is room for both of us.

"Gotcha" ???

***update***

I just want to clarify my stand a bit more. I don't hate "gotcha" and I was fine with it during most of the wait. After all, it's just a word and it's the intent that counts. I feel you/family/friends can say anything as long as the intent is good. However, a small part of me always did feel that Gotcha was the same as snatched. It wasn't until I started reading adoptees thoughts on the word. It's their voice that is making me rethink this. I'm an adult and I find this topic easy to process. On the flip side, our children aren't coming from our point of view, they are coming from theirs...the only one they know. I'm trying really hard to understand their point of view and help them in anyway I can. :)

I've been thinking about the term Gotcha Lately. For those of you in the IA world, I'm curious to your thoughts. Personally, I'm not into the term and I'm looking for an alternative. I do admit that when I am speaking with an IA parent, I use it because it's such a quick reference but like I said, I'm looking for an alternative term.

I read an article today and here is a little piece that I wanted to share. (Get Rid of "Gotcha" by Karen Moline)

It didn't surprise me to find that adoptees have a slightly different feeling about all these gushing gotchas. Eight-year-old Becca Lampman, who was adopted from China, said, "It sounds weird to say that—call it ‘Adoption Day' instead." Her 17-year-old sister, Elena, adopted from Romania, agreed: "I wouldn't like hearing ‘Gotcha Day' used in my family. To me, it sounds like someone snatched you away from your birth family, or almost like you are a prize that was won...it has a gloating, ha-ha tone to it."

"We celebrate my Adoption Day, and I like that," she added. "Being adopted is worth celebrating, and ‘Adoption Day' is respectful sounding."

Adult adoptee Hanna Sofia Jung Johansson pointedly asked, "What is being celebrated [on Gotcha Day]? Parenthood and the new family, I guess. But do adoptive parents acknowledge their child's losses at the same time? ‘Gotcha' for parents means ‘lost-ya' for children who have been separated from familiar faces, smells, and surroundings."

As of now, I think I want to call that day "Mommy Daughter" day. Obviously this wouldn't work if there was a daddy involved. Since there is not, this is what I would like to use. I also don't see this day as a great loss of my child's biological parents, rather a loss of and orphanage, caretakers, and a country...familiarity. Let me explain. Her GREATEST loss of her biological parents happened before she entered the orphanage, not on "gotcha". Not to discount what she looses on "gotcha" but they are not as grand and her first loss. I do believe that my MD Day will be joyous day in spirit... a day where a motherless daughter finally gets a mother that will spend her days loving and taking care of her daughter and vice versa. I have hopes that every year on that very day we'll play hooky and do something fun. (at least until she get's older and starts the eye rolling) That's my hope anyway....

So, what do you think of "Gotcha Day"? Will you use this term or another? If so, what are you using?

Lifebook & Birthparents

I belong to a yahoo group on China Lifebooks for our daughters. It's an awesome site and very helpful in creating a Lifebook. This latest topic is on Birthparents. It's very thought provoking and a section that I am definately struggling with. One of the questions was "what are your feelings about the Birthparents?" Here is a portion of what I wrote:

"... I am so grateful to my daughter-to-be’s birthparents. Because of them, I will have a daughter, be a mommy, and have the life that I always dreamed of. Because of them I will be able see her eyes light up when I (Me, Mommy) picks her up from daycare, to sing songs to her in the car, hang her artwork on the fridge, hold her tight when she is grieving, kiss her goodnight, and watch her sleep. Grateful is such an understatement.

Because of them, my daughter might struggle with her identity. Because of them, my daughter will always wonder why they are not her mommy or daddy, but her birthparents. This breaks my heart. How can I be so grateful and so sad/angry. I cannot imagine their world, although I try. I cannot imagine how one cannot raise their own child. I try, but I cannot see clearly.

Fear. This is a small emotion I feel but a powerful one. I fear that a small part of my daughter might resent me for taking her away from her birthparents and China. I hope to show her all the respect for her Heritage and Birthparents that I can.

In my head I imagine next Mother’s Day. I imagine that I find a way to honor her birthparents by doing something special. Am I doing this for me or am I doing this for my daughter? I hope the answer is that I am doing it for both of us! I know for me it will be my way of saying “Thank You” for making me a mom every year!!

I am struggling with how I tell my daughter in her lifebook and then verbally about her birthparents. Do I assume? Do I tell her that her birthparents loved her and placed her to be found for a better life? Do I leave out the “loved” part? How do you explain to your child that you were loved but then abandoned? Love is a powerful and wonderful thing and how can I assure myself that Love & Abandonment never get intertwined. As an adult, it is easier to see the difference. But to a child, how clear is it? I promise that I will try my very hardest to raise her with self esteem and a great sense of self worth. I am just asking for guidance.

I don’t have the words yet but I am working on it!....."

Should I or Shouldn't I?

So, on a few of my yahoo groups there seems to be the topic of whether or not one adoptive-parent-to-be should/shouldn't approach families that appear to have adopted. I am an Asian Baby Magnet. In such a small state, I have been seeing more and more of these families. I don't have an FCC that I am aware of here in Delaware. So, what do I do. NOTHING.

I am not alone in the world or anything but I just so much want to be friends with someone who has adopted. Please don't get me wrong...I LOVE MY CYBER FRIENDS. You all are my rock... I am sure you know what I mean. (that in person contact) Anyway, most of the families on my yahoo groups just dislike being approached even if it is in a nice way. There are a few members that say they don't mind but most do not want to be bothered but tolerate it. I don't want to bother anyone. So, this weekend at a yardsale...there is a little Asian girl with Caucasian Parents. They looked like such a sweet and happy family. Did I want to just blurt out that she was beautiful and I too am adopting...YES. What did I do?...NOTHING.

Yesterday, I am in a department store on my lunch break and I see a Caucasian Mom with a little Asian Girl carrying around a little plastic photo album of her family. I bet she was adopted, and recently too. Do I do NOTHING again? I must come up with a plan. Ok...I got it. We're both shopping for little girls clothing and I asked what size she was buying for her daughter cause I am wondering what size I might want to buy. If she asked how old is the child I am buying for, I will mention a small size but that I am not totally sure and that I was LID in February. I figured that if she wanted to open up a dialog, it was her call. Sound like a good plan?

Oops. She had no idea what LID was. Now I was totally confused. I'm an idiot. So much for my plan. Once she figured out what the heck I was trying to say, she was chatty kathy. Her daughter had been adopted one month ago from Korea. She did not have to travel, they escorted her daughter to the States. Both mom and daughter were very sweet. We chatted for a while, wished each other well and then said our goodbyes.

A few minutes later she came back and said that she just want to let me know that I will be amazed at how much I will love my daughter and that in the shortest time I will feel as though she had been with me forever. She said that it was amazing how much love she had for her daughter and would die for her and that it would be the best thing I've ever done. She was so emotional and it took my breath away. I had a good cry on the way back to work.

Anyway, I am so glad I bugged her in the store. I guess I just got lucky. Will I approach other in the future. I don't know. But I hope so.

I have been trying to research developmental stages in children and came across some speech and Language skills from Kris Everhart, a Speech Language Pathologist. These were from a Q & A list on the Delaware Early Intervention Newsletter. It also says to Remember that these are only guidelines and that every child develops at a different rate.

1. Turns toward voices. ( 3-6 mos )
2. Aware of and quiets to familiar voices. ( 0-3 mos )
3. Reaches and looks for toys. ( 6-9 mos )
4. Makes sounds in the back of the throat. ( 0-3 mos )
5. Uses different cries for different reasons. ( 3-6 mos )
6. Vocalizes 4 different consonant-vowel combos (ex: mama, gaga, dada). ( 6-9 mos )
7. Makes sounds with people and when alone. ( 3-6 mos )
8. Participates in simple games (i.e., peek-a-boo). ( 9-12 mos )
9. Waves “bye-bye”. ( 9-12 mos )
10. Makes brief eye contact. ( 0-3 mos )
11. Gestures w/vocalizations to protest or request “up”. ( 6-9 mos )
12. Gives objects on request. ( 9-12 mos )

YIPPEE!!!

Well, Today is good. It's Friday the 13th with a full moon (100%) and I still managed to be DTC and I got my ever mysterious Brown Envelope. I can't believe it!! It's like a weight has been lifted. Too bad it was only the weight on my shoulders. LOL. Time to celebrate!

I-797C vs. I-171H

I had a question from a fellow blogger... she received the I-171H and should she have gotten the I-797C. I called my agency and they said either one is fine. They are phasing out the I-171H and the new ones are the I-797C’s but it will take a while for the government to phase these out. No worries.

I-797C

Okay! I would have never guessed it! I was hoping for this around Christmas!!!

Twinkie?

OMG! Let me start at the beginning. Did I learn a lot tonight! Let me start by saying that at my second job, I have 4 bosses, one of which is Asian. He is awesome, I love him. He is a great boss and great to work with. So, the other bosses know about my impending adoption but are keeping it on the DL for me for now. I have not yet shared my plans with my Asian boss. Why? I am not sure…yes, I am… He is the only Asian person that I converse with on a regular basis and I am unsure of how he will feel about my news. I truly know that he would be happy for me no matter what, but am unsure of how the Asian American community views international adoption first hand. Yes, I know, I am making it out to be that his voice is the voice of an entire community, but you know what I mean. Ok, so back to tonight. While trying to be politically correct, I asked him if he was Korean or Chinese. His response was…”I’m Eskimo!” Ok. I know I can be an idiot at times but I was like “ok”. He then just laughed at me. We’re cool so it was no problem. He then said he was Korean. I told him I just didn’t want to assume one or the other and offend him. Anyway, I spoke of my plans and he asked if he could offer up some advice since he had grown up with a few Korean adoptees. Of course, I welcome any info I can get my hands on. His main advice was to have open communication. Most of the kids that he knew, Korea was not spoken about in the home. They were now American and that was it. Some of the children were extremely introverted and others were very rebellious and angry. Then our conversation turned to racism. He proceeded to ask me an interesting question. Regarding my earlier question if he was Korean or Chinese, he said, would I ask a black person if they were African, Jamaican, or Bohemian or just assume they were American? Ummmm. Crap. Point taken. I told him if I came across someone that seemed Irish, I usually ask if they are Irish or Scottish. Yeah, that worked. I felt like an idiot. He said that this is how you know that some Asians will never truly feel American. I am still scratching my head. I know that I personally didn’t offend him, but…. Then, he says that he is Korean American and that growing up in Church a lot of the “true” Korean children used to tease him and call him a twinkie! A what? A twinkie…you know, yellow on the outside and white on the inside. (His words, not mine) He said most times it was in jest, but sometimes it really hurt. I had never heard the term. I almost started to cry. That’s it, how much time will I get for kicking a child’s butt for name calling!!! I’ll do the time. What did I learn? I learned enough to know that I need to learn a whole lot more!!

Family Finance

Found an interesting article on finances & parenthood in American Baby by Josh Garskof. Here are the tips that I got out of it.

1. Buy Life Insurance. Term Life makes the most sense because it coves the insured person for a period of time and pays a benefit if you pass away during the term.

2. Eliminate Credit Card Debt. Pay these off as fast as possible. The interest costs will be an ongoing drain on your budget.

3. Set up a Budget. I won't go into what they recommend because I just finished peeing in my pants (laughing). The jist was, "...add in the costs of your baby, which you can estimate at about $400 per month..." $400??? Right! On what planet. This won't even cover 2 weeks at daycare! Anyway, I do agree with the concept of setting up a budget! So, let's just leave this one alone.

4. Build a Financial Cushion. With debt under control and a budget in place, work on savings.

5. Start Saving for College. Look into the 529 accounts. These programs allow your college fund to grow tax-free. Every state has its own 529 program. Look for one that offers and age-based mutual fund that starts out with aggressive investments and gets more conservative as college gets closer. There are also a Prepaid tuition plans. This allows parents to beat tuition inflation by paying for college now. You pay today's tuition on a playment plan, and then your child goes to an in-state school.

OK. I am EXHAUSTED just thinking about all of this. :)
I guess I can add these to my list of things to do while waiting. Actually, I think my list is turning into somewhat of a book. One day, I am just going to delete it and fly by the seat of my pants. (yeah, right!)

Life Insurance

Life insurance is just one of those things that you need to have when you are a parent. I just wish that you didn't need bloodwork to get it! There is always drama when I need bloodwork done. Anyway, they sent someone out to do the job...they failed. They always fail. :( I know that I will pass the medical portion - I passed the adoption medical part. They just seem to insist on their "own" tests. Well, I spoke to the underwriter and got her to agree to look all my current medical records from my doctor before they send out another technician and guess what....They are accepting the medical reports from my doctor!!! Yahoo!!! No more bloodwork! Atleast anytime soon. I hope I am not jinxing myself! Yeah. Now I just have to wait for them to process my policy inorder to complete my homestudy. Fingers crossed!!

Fingerprinting

Fingerprinting...DONE! Yeah. It took one week to receive a receipt from INS regarding my I-600A and I had my fingerprints scheduled for the next week. I could just walk in without any appointment Tuesday through Friday until 3:00. I had no idea it would be that easy. I reside in Delaware and the main office for fingerprinting is in Philadelphia, however they have a satellite office in Dover. Even though Dover is further than Philly, it's much more convenient. Once I got there, there was no wait! The guys in the office where hysterical. I even had Pirate with me to share the experience. I can tell you that his experience wasn't as fun...he was in his travel bag! But that's okay. He was still there to share it with me. They said my prints were great - I am hoping for the best!!

Passport

Finally got that Passport!!

Medical Exam

Had my Medical Exam done the day after Labor day, how much fun can one person have! Well, I'm glad that is done with. Anyway, this is a new doctor and she seems great. For those of you that know me, there is always some drama with getting my blood taken. The first attempt was a failure, now I am back for another go around. And yes, "AnneMarie" is my newest favorite person in the world. She got me on the first try. So, in the wrist with a pediactric needle and "9" viles later...I am done! I am not sure there is a single test on earth that they didn't test for! But I am sure that you all know how that goes. The way I see it, if someone is actually able to get blood from me, do every test you think you might need. Plus I had the fun TB shot and a tetnus. Now the wait for the results begins! Wish me luck. Actually, I am more worried about finding a traveling notary! :)

I-600A

Well, It's submitted today!

Culture and Adoptive Children

"But a lopsided majority, including those who profess little interest in their genealogies, will say they feel more grounded and secure when heir adoptive parents infuse their upbringings with the cultures from which them came, routinely give them information about their backgrounds and, when physical differences are apparent, expose them to other people who look like them."

-Adam Peterson ‘International Adoptions Should Be Celebrated’

Phase #1: The Paperchase (First 4-6 Months)

Collect all documents for Dossier

Birth certificate
Certificate of Property (Financial Statement)
Physicals (with about 10 different blood tests)
State Police Checks
Application letter to Chinese Officials
Letters from Employers
Homestudy from Social Worker
I-171H form from USCIS
Copies of Passports
6 Pictures of family
2 Passport size photo's

After all these documents are all collected and Notorized then I will take them down to Dover and they all have to be state certified by the Secretary of State. They will then be fed-ex'd to the Chinese Embassy in Washington DC and be authenticated. (First local(notorized), then state level (certified) then country level (authenticated) the documents all need a stamp saying they are legitimate.) Then the documents are sent to our adoption agency. They double check them and then translate them into Chinese. Then the documents are sent to China. That is my DTC date. Then about 1-2 weeks after that is our LID (Log in Date). Now I just have to wait! The matching wait is about 6 - 7 months. My agency will be the one that give me a call to let me know that China has a referral for me. They will give me info over the phone and then overnight the medical info and 3 photos of my child. The next step will be to wait for TA(Travel Approval). This normally takes 4-6 weeks to get with about a 2 week warning that you are leaving. I will then travel to China and spend 10-12 days in China. You will find a "In China" travel timeline on our referral page.

One Child Policy

Painted by Zhou Yuwei

Painted by Ahang Zhenhua

"How the One Child Policy came about: In the 1950s, Mao Tse-Tung urged his people to have lots of children to strengthen the country. The population growth from this edict led the government in the 1970s to be worried that China would be unable to feed her citizens. So, the Chinese government implemented the One Child Policy in 1979.The goal of this policy was to keep China’s population below 1.3 billion by the year 2000. Today, China is home to over 1.2 billion people. Couples who violate the One Child Policy are subject to fines (equal to three years’ salary!), community ostracism, and even jail time.
Baby boys are more valued in Chinese society than are baby girls because boys carry on the ancestral name, inheritance laws pass property on to sons, and sons are responsible for taking care of aged parents. Because of this many couples will abandon a baby girls. A heartbreakingly cruel choice, yes, and an event that happens all too often – hundreds of thousands of baby girls are abandoned every year in China. The babies are abandoned in public places (such as busy streets, railway stations, and in front of public buildings) so they will be found quickly. The babies are abandoned as infants – usually when they are only a few days old. In addition to little girls, handicapped babies and sick babies (both boys and girls) are also abandoned because most parents in China don’t have the money to provide for their special needs. Once found, the abandoned babies are given a medical exam and then taken to orphanages."

Why China?

Health - Chinese orphans have a reputation of being among the healthiest in the world. There are fewer problems with alcohol and other drugs in China than in many other parts of the world.

Gender - China with it's One Child Policy, has many infant girls that need homes.

Certainty vs. Risk - Adoptions in the US are much harder for a single person trying to adopt and open adoptions are becoming more common. In Chinese Adoptions, Once approved for adoption, they almost always go through. It may take longer, it may cost more money, but it will happen. I choose a closed adoption.

The need is so great -Thousands of perfectly healthy children will live their lives in orphanages which are only able to provide the minimal needs for these kids. If I am going to adopt, I would really rather help out a child that will not otherwise get help. I feel I am the lucky one in this process. I get to have the family I want.

Respect - China has a unique and remarkable history. China was a civilized country long before European countries could be called civilized. The China of today is rich in interesting and varied cultures. I feel this is a background which I can easily help my daughter be proud of.

Support - There are many thousands of Chinese children who have been adopted into US families. The parents of these children are organized and offer newsletters, playgroups, camps, classes, and all kinds of special events. I feel it will be very helpful to my daughter’s self-esteem to know others with a similar background and to have opportunities to learn something about Chinese culture. This kind of support was a VERY big factor in my decision.