I belong to a yahoo group on China Lifebooks for our daughters. It's an awesome site and very helpful in creating a Lifebook. This latest topic is on Birthparents. It's very thought provoking and a section that I am definately struggling with. One of the questions was "what are your feelings about the Birthparents?" Here is a portion of what I wrote:
"... I am so grateful to my daughter-to-be’s birthparents. Because of them, I will have a daughter, be a mommy, and have the life that I always dreamed of. Because of them I will be able see her eyes light up when I (Me, Mommy) picks her up from daycare, to sing songs to her in the car, hang her artwork on the fridge, hold her tight when she is grieving, kiss her goodnight, and watch her sleep. Grateful is such an understatement.
Because of them, my daughter might struggle with her identity. Because of them, my daughter will always wonder why they are not her mommy or daddy, but her birthparents. This breaks my heart. How can I be so grateful and so sad/angry. I cannot imagine their world, although I try. I cannot imagine how one cannot raise their own child. I try, but I cannot see clearly.
Fear. This is a small emotion I feel but a powerful one. I fear that a small part of my daughter might resent me for taking her away from her birthparents and China. I hope to show her all the respect for her Heritage and Birthparents that I can.
In my head I imagine next Mother’s Day. I imagine that I find a way to honor her birthparents by doing something special. Am I doing this for me or am I doing this for my daughter? I hope the answer is that I am doing it for both of us! I know for me it will be my way of saying “Thank You” for making me a mom every year!!
I am struggling with how I tell my daughter in her lifebook and then verbally about her birthparents. Do I assume? Do I tell her that her birthparents loved her and placed her to be found for a better life? Do I leave out the “loved” part? How do you explain to your child that you were loved but then abandoned? Love is a powerful and wonderful thing and how can I assure myself that Love & Abandonment never get intertwined. As an adult, it is easier to see the difference. But to a child, how clear is it? I promise that I will try my very hardest to raise her with self esteem and a great sense of self worth. I am just asking for guidance.
I don’t have the words yet but I am working on it!....."
