Answering Questions

These are some Q & A's that I've heard throughout the paperchase, I've saved them and thought I would post them all together. Maybe I'll be one of the lucky ones and not have to deal with some of these. I also post them because these questions could come from sincere family and friends that just don't realize what they are saying. So, it's a little etiquette lesson for all those unfamiliar with the international adoption program. Hope I don't offend anyone.

(Update - this is just in from my guy coworker... Coworker: Does she know you yet? Me: (smartass glance) yes, she calls me every weekend! Coworker: that was a stupid questions right? Me: It was sweet of you to think of us!!!)

Q: Where is she from?
What they’re thinking: She clearly looks different from you - she most likely was born in another country.
A: What you should say: "She’s from Delaware (or wherever you live).” When I’m feeling generous of spirit I might add, “but she was born in China, if that’s what you mean.”

Q: Where are her real parents?
What they’re thinking: Who are her biological parents and why didn’t they keep her?
A: What you should say: “We are her real parents; where her biological parents are is not your business.”

Q: She is so lucky!
What they’re thinking: She’s lucky she no longer has to live in an orphanage or in foster care.
A: What you should say: “I’m the lucky one, to have been blessed with the perfect child for us. I can’t imagine my life without her.”

Q: Wasn’t it expensive?
What they’re thinking: They’ve heard about the high costs associated with adoption – they can’t imagine it’s affordable.
A: What you should say: “The expenses we incurred were similar to those our insurance company paid out when our sons were born. I’d be happy put you in touch with our agency and they can go over funding options with you if you’re interested in exploring adoption.”

Remember … your only responsibility is to your child. When faced with a difficult question or comment, the only response you should give should be the one you want your child to hear. I frequently ask my daughter if she minds me sharing information about her life with others. When the day comes that she says yes, that’s when I’ll start saying, “I’m sorry, that’s a personal question,” and I’ll just walk away.

Other Q & A's

Q: Where are Gigi's real mom?
A: Gigi's real mom is mom who is raising her, me. She also has birthparents in China who gave birth to her.

Q: Where's Gigi from?
A: She's from Delaware. She was born in China, but she is now a U.S. citizen.

Q: Why doesn't Gigi look like her mom?
A: She was born in China and her mom adopted her when she was a baby.

Q: Does she speak Chinese?
A: No. Gigi came to the U.S.when she was several months old. She was not speaking any language at the time! Children speak the language of the country they are raised in.
Q: Does she eat with chopsticks?
A: Chinese kids are not born knowing how to use chopsticks. In the same way that American kids learn to use spoons, forks, and knives, using chopsticks is learned by Chinese kids. Here in America Gigi will learned to eat with a fork, spoon, and knife, and also with chopsticks.

Q: Will she be a Communist? Buddhist?
A: No. Belief systems are learned (whether by choice or not). We are not born with them.

Q: Any question that is rude or inappropriate...

A: Don't say a word to them just your back to them and address your child saying: (I am paraphrasing) "Some people aren't brought up correctly and you can learn from their bad behavior how not to behave to people."

Q: How much did she cost?

A: She's priceless. Why do you ask? (just in case they're potential A-parents)

Q: Do you have any children of your own?"
A: No, we just hire this little girl here to act as our daughter on weekends. You would not believe the contract her agent negotiated.

Q: Oh, come on, you know what I mean.
A: I'm sorry, what did you say? Did you say that I know you're mean? Well, I suppose I do. I must say, I didn't believe it when the other mothers told me - I prefer to make up my own mind about people - but yes, I guess now I do know that you are, in fact, mean. Pity.

Q: Why couldn't you have children of your own?
A: For the same reason you couldn't believe it when your mother told you that someday, if you kept on asking offensive questions, someone would put their boot so far up your ass you'd be flossing with shoelaces. It's just one of life's great mysteries.

Q: Are you going to tell her that she's adopted?
A: Yes, we became a family through adoption.

Q: Can you imagine anyone giving up their child?
A: It's complicated.

Q: Was it just too hard to adopt a white/American baby?"
A: Oh, I didn't want a white/American baby."

Q: She's such a lucky little girl!
A: Nope, I'm the LUCKY one!

Q: Why didn't you adopt an American baby?
A: She is an American baby.

Q: With all the children in this country who need good homes, why would you go overseas to adopt?
A: How many adopted children do you have?

Q: I think it's wonderful that some women can adopt, but I could never love anyone who wasn't my blood.
A: Oh, so you married a blood relative?

Q: How much did she cost?
A: How much did yours cost?

Q: What is she?

A: A girl!

Q: Is she able to eat american food?

A: uhhhh...yes!

Q: I know someone who adopted. They had to give those kids back because they were so messed up and couldn't adjust. (well more a statement)

A: What I want to say: "Are you SERIOUSLY saying this out loud in front of my children!?" What my kids hear: "Our adoption isn't permanent; it's subject to my good behavior." What the speaker SHOULD have said: "I know someone who adopted. It can have its own challenges." My response: "Yes, parenting is a big responsibility and it doesn't always turn out like we plan. But adoption is forever, just like with a biological family." (http://namastechild.blogspot.com)

Q: Do you know his real mom?

A: What I want to say, "I am his real mom." What the kids hear: "I have a real mom? Who are you then?" What the speaker MEANT to say to avoid raising my ire: "Do you have contact with their birth families?" My answer then: "We have limited contact with them, and respect them very much for the loving choice they made." (http://namastechild.blogspot.com)

Q: Something along the lines of "Are you babysitting?" "Are you a foster mom?" "They don't look like you" (ya think!) or the long stare that says, "What is THIS family situation?"

A: What I say: "We're an adoptive family." What the speaker SHOULD have said: nothing. Or-you guessed it- "Are you an adoptive family?" (http://namastechild.blogspot.com)

Q: You're just like Angelina Jolie!"

A: What I want to say: "No. I definitely am not (although I love her). But if sharing one common cause makes you just like someone else, then I guess I'm her clone, despite my five foot nothing-ness, ponytail and sweat pants in the Walmart aisle." What the speaker SHOULD have said: Nothing. I really am tired of this one. Not that she isn't a great person...I just don't like being compared to anyone, and I certainly don't adopt to be celeb. (http://namastechild.blogspot.com)

QUESTIONS THAT JUST DON'T NEED A RESPONSE...

I wish I could just go buy a baby
I thought she'd be some crackbaby or something
It’s sad how they just throw them away
Asian chicks are hot
I never thought I'd see the day when you could buy babies on the internet
I just don't think I could raise someone else's kid